· If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
· I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
· Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
· I'm great at multi-tasking -- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once .
· Take my advice — I'm not using it.
· My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
· Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
· Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
· Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.