“All these companies that say they have products that can extend your life 20 years are crazy. I don't want to live an additional 20 years when I'm old, I wanted to live an additional 20 years when I was in my 20's.”
“If a woman says do what you want, do not do what you want. Stand still, don’t blink, don’t answer, don’t even breathe. Just play dead.”
“Interesting fact: methamphetamine is now called “Meth” so that crackheads with no teeth can more easily say it.”
“Tomorrow is another day...a fresh start, and we get 365 of them a year. Isn't that awesome!”
“The problem with a treadmill is that it’s also an awesome place to hang clothes.”
“There are many reasons why not to drink and drive. My main concern is that I might hit a bump and spill some.”
“I WeatherTeched my living room. It looks ugly but at least I won't have to worry about getting red wine stains out of the carpet anymore.”
“When I was young I longed for my future; now I find myself longing for my past.”
“The devil's greatest trick is to convince you he doesn't exist.”
“If a tree falls on your wife in the woods and no one is there to see it, should you still get rid of the chainsaw?”
“You can’t always choose who will walk into your life, but you can choose which window to throw them out of.”
“Going through difficult times isn't fun but at least we find out who our real friends are.”
“I saw how screwed up wealthy people were and decided to go the other direction.”
“When I do something wrong I apologize to my wife. When she does something wrong, she gets mad at me for getting mad, and I apologize.”
“We are defined by the sum of the decisions we’ve made in our lives, not the last bad one.”
“If a woman says do what you want, do not do what you want. Stand still, don’t blink, don’t answer, don’t even breathe. Just play dead.”
“Interesting fact: methamphetamine is now called “Meth” so that crackheads with no teeth can more easily say it.”
“Tomorrow is another day...a fresh start, and we get 365 of them a year. Isn't that awesome!”
“The problem with a treadmill is that it’s also an awesome place to hang clothes.”
“There are many reasons why not to drink and drive. My main concern is that I might hit a bump and spill some.”
“I WeatherTeched my living room. It looks ugly but at least I won't have to worry about getting red wine stains out of the carpet anymore.”
“When I was young I longed for my future; now I find myself longing for my past.”
“The devil's greatest trick is to convince you he doesn't exist.”
“If a tree falls on your wife in the woods and no one is there to see it, should you still get rid of the chainsaw?”
“You can’t always choose who will walk into your life, but you can choose which window to throw them out of.”
“Going through difficult times isn't fun but at least we find out who our real friends are.”
“I saw how screwed up wealthy people were and decided to go the other direction.”
“When I do something wrong I apologize to my wife. When she does something wrong, she gets mad at me for getting mad, and I apologize.”
“We are defined by the sum of the decisions we’ve made in our lives, not the last bad one.”
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