guys are the same but many of us have a tough time expressing our feelings and I definitely believe it is society related. My dad didn’t want to see me cry because it would’ve meant I’m soft. My brother would’ve made fun of me if I cried. Then there’s peer pressure, my friends never saw me cry because I figured I’d be teased forever about it.
The first time I really cried the kind of crying where you can’t even speak, was when my
dad passed away. Both of my sisters who live in Missouri were visiting me at the time and we knew dad was taken to an emergency room on that Friday because of intense abdominal pain. Apparently his pancreas was extremely inflamed but his doctor wasn’t real worried about it so we were relieved. Then on Sunday I received a phone call from a doctor who was in the operating room with my dad; I put my phone on speaker so my sisters and I could find out what was going on. Apparently my dad had gotten much worse so they took him into the operating room and saw his gall bladder and pancreas had become septic and the infection was too far spread to do anything to help him. The surgeon said he wasn’t sure my dad was going to make it then we heard some background noises and the doctor got back on-line with us and said he was sorry to tell us that our dad just died. Right there on the other end of the phone line our dad was gone forever.
At first we were in shock then the tears started pouring. I called by brother who lived in Las Vegas and when he answered I couldn’t speak; this never happened to me before. He knew it was me from caller I.D. so he stayed on the phone. I finally got the news out to him and of course like the rest of us he was in shock.
My sisters hurried back to Missouri while Maggie and I followed shortly. I continued crying intermittently and memories that I had forgotten all about began filling my mind, like my dad taking us fishing which we did all the time, seeing he and my mom sitting in the stands during our football games ringing a cowbell (it was a common practice of people in the stands), my dad cooking on the grill on Sunday afternoons, my dad drinking too much beer while grilling on Sunday afternoons, cutting firewood with his chainsaw which my brother and I had the pleasure of loading the wood into the truck, the way he’d sometimes pass by my mom in the kitchen and give her a loving pinch, and watching the Bugs Bunny and Road Runner show with him; he laughed as much as we did. Of course there were countless more memories that came rushing back.
With these recent deaths I went back in my mind to when dad passed away and thought about how hard it hit me. I began thinking about the wonderful memories I had when he passed away and started wondering why I had kept them suppressed for so long. These memories were in my brain somewhere but I forgot how to access them and what a waste because these memories were amazing and reminded me how much I loved my dad. I wondered at first if it was because I got so busy with life that I stopped tapping into my memories but then it hit me, some memories can only be seen through tears.